Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
You Might Also Like
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*