whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Shower sex be like:
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Mouse
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.