Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
You Might Also Like
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I beg your pardon?
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans