I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Waiting for the Charmin
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Brands during Pride
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it