[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
My life in a nutshell
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose