*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
he chose this
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.