1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
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Considering the fact that I鈥檓 still working in people鈥檚 homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn鈥檛 killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you鈥檇 be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
馃槀馃槶
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
@funTweeters
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Your script should feel like a movie. That鈥檚 why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Her: 馃槈 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
袉f you can鈥檛 afford therapy try garlic bread.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My daughter just told me I鈥檓 giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I鈥檓 finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.