Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.