Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.