Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”