I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”