*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
This was my dad’s browser history.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet