BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.