The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Just ordered me some pizza!
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
How do you like your Corgi?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”