Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
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I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
*weighs self after shaving
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction