SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
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Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order