[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
You Might Also Like
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The three genders
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.