No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.