I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
❤️🦆
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Mad Max: Furry Road
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically