9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
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If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.