i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?