ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I’m awake but I object,
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.