I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
become ungovernable
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁