sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them