*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.