Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
This kid is a star!
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
no one likes gloating
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.