Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Lucky old June.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.