“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.