chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?