[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.