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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”