I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Last-minute gift idea!
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?