Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Yes
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
synchronized noseblowing
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness