Ghost costume 😂
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AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.