My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
That’s classic.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka