I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
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Goodnight 🐶
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?