dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
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Taking phone security to the next level.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Not all heroes wear capes.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
This meal prepping shit easy
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
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