Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
a lot to unpack here
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*