When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.