Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
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My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast