If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
You Might Also Like
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.