I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.