It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Comparing yourself to others
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Pretty much! 😂👀
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.