Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Personal question. #JustSaying
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally