My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!