I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*