I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.