Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Spa day..😅
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would