Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
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Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.