Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
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Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing